Vulnerability
I count sometimes. When I have moments of insecurity or a sudden rush of anxiety I blurt out four random numbers. I don’t know why or when it started. I don’t remember reading it as a self-help method. I just do it. It gives me a way to release emotions that would otherwise make me panic. I never say the numbers out loud where people can hear me. They are mumbled under my breath, followed by a sense of foolishness for doing so. They are just numbers, but most often a safe place.
While writing these words I find myself feeling foolish for sharing them. They make me transparent. Vulnerable. Vulnerable to laughter, snide comments, and raised eyebrows. Yet they are me. And I refuse to show myself as anything different than who I am.
I count. You laugh. Yet you have your own coping mechanism. You also are vulnerable. Thankfully we have Friend who never scoffs at our vulnerability and silly ways of dealing with stress and life. Rather, He welcomes our vulnerability. In fact, He requires it. He is Truth. And being so, He can only work in truth. For me to give Him anything else besides myself makes me fake and He can’t do anything with that. So I am transparent. I am truthful. I am open. I am raw. I am vulnerable. And when I am, I may cringe inside with temporary anxiety and I may count again. But He never laughs. I think sometimes He just counts along with me.
Not Yet
I know in Heaven we will get to be with the Lord, yet sometimes I don’t want that day to come so quick.
I know there are many who would be appalled with these words. If they heard me audibly say them they’d look with judgmental stares and their mind would race with all sorts of reasons as to why I’d say such an absurd thing. I am a Christian after all. We are all supposed to want to go to Heaven. We are supposed to look forward to the rapture and getting away from this earth.
The truth is, I want to be with Him – how could I not? But in my journey to experience Him, I find myself drawn to His obscurity and mystery. I long to find secret moments, times of revelation, and wonder when He shows up unexpectedly. I like “finding” Him.
I’m sure in Heaven simply being in His presence will take away this “insanity” of mine. I’ll probably look back and wonder what I ate or what I drank that made me think so irrationally. But until then, I’m ok just enjoy relishing in the journey of coming to know Him before He is fully revealed. I’m ok with the hunt. I’m ok with listening for His voice. I’m ok with the unknown that forces me to trust Him.
Redefined Definitions
Dictionary.com defines the word friendship as: “a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard”
I’ve had friends, and then… I’ve had “friends.” Here are some of the wide ranges of friendships I’ve acquired over the years:
1. Those who liked me because I could do something for them
2. Those who liked me because I was good at something
3. Those who liked me in front of my face but not behind my back
4. Those who liked me with sweet words I could hear and with vile thoughts I couldn’t
5. Those who liked me when they thought I had money
6. Those who liked me when they didn’t have anyone else
7. Those who liked me because they had to
8. Those who liked me because I said nice things about them
Reading this may feel depressing and you might think, “She needs some new friends!” The thing is… this has been your list too. And it might be your list right now. Friendship needs a new definition!
I decided earlier in life that I wasn’t going to focus on being popular, having the most friends, or being the top dog. I just wanted to be real.
Many of us are sick of fake people in our lives and have a blacklist of people that fit into the categories I listed above. We have had those “friends” who have hurt us and made us feel unwanted. (And hopefully we’ve also had those who fulfilled us and made us a better person.) I decided that neither Webster nor dictionary.com is going to define my life. Instead of having an abundance of friends I want want an abundance of relationships and experiences with and through others.
This is what I mean…
When was the last time we took the time to talk to someone we didn’t know and actually cared about anything they told us? Did we really listen? Did we think about them later? Do we remember what they told us? Do we care if you ever talk to them again? Or is our definition of a relationship only determined by what we can get from it? Can we say that we have relationships with people simply by what we can give?
For me, it’s always been more enjoyable to lay down at night knowing I made someone feel good that day instead of feeling fulfilled by what someone else did for me. We need our emotional needs met in some way, but in reality, a large majority of them are fulfilled simply by giving instead of getting.
Another thing… who foolishly said that we shouldn’t live life through someone else? What is wrong with experiencing a bit of life through someone else’s experiences? When someone shares their life with you they get to relive those joyful times again, thereby bringing smiles, laughter, and joy out of boredom and mediocrity. And if an eighty year old man tells you how he fought in WWII rather than roll our eyes and wish for him to be done with his story we should try to make that story come alive for him again and us… because are you going to fight in WWII? No! So I say live!! Live through others, and let them live again too!
Find someone new today to care about. Refine your definition of friendship to be more than just something selfish.
Empty Pages and Rewritten Words
I like to write. I love to write. Sometimes I hate to write.
There are times that finding the right word, or any words at all, is hard to do. There can be so many things running through my head and heart and yet I can’t find a way to express any of them in print. Thousands of words exist yet sometimes there just isn’t the right one. Writer’s block, along with emotion and imagination block, can leave my screen empty and void of all expression.
As much as I hate writer’s block there are times that I welcome it. Sometimes I know that I should try to write what I’m feeling to help me sort it out and rid myself of any toxic thoughts or feelings I’m having in those moments. Toxic emotions and words poison us not only from the outside in, but from the inside out. Dormant emotions can fester and grow leading to diseased heart conditions. I try to tell myself to get it out but when I do it sometimes looks so ugly and foreign. It doesn’t look like me, which appalls me, and yet it is me, which scares me. The words I’ve been told, or those I tell myself, leave behind a story and history behind for others to find and judge by. In those moments, an empty page can be more welcome than one that is full.
Still, sometimes I want to write it all out. I want all the toxic poison to come out and stay on that paper never to return. Words from my ex. Words from friends. Words from my childhood. Words from my fears. Words from the unknown. Words from my own mind. They linger inside, waiting for me to turn the page or create a new post so they can have their moment of justice as they are penned or typed. They demand to be noticed. They demand to be voiced.
So I write. And sometimes all the right words do come and their story is sufficiently told. Their voice is heard. And when the pen is put down or the keyboard is pushed away the words transform from poison into healing as the words of my Creator rewrite my own.
And then, we start a new page, together.
Two Ways to Live Your Life
Albert Einstein once said, “There are only two ways to live your life: one is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is.”
The photo in this post is more than likely altered by image software, providing pop and color enhancements to an otherwise average picture. The photos we take – as beautiful as they can be – are limited to the full light levels and color spectrum that our cameras can see. In other words, what we see with our eyes can never truly be captured on film or capture card. Perhaps in the future that will change with more enhancements to technology.
No one can replicate God’s creation in a way that brings it justice.
I am reminded of when I went to a photography group meeting years ago. Many of the members made snide remarks about other photographers who used filters or added enhancements to their photos. It irritated me, and I never went back. Although I believe in being as proficient as you can with a skill, I also believe in stretching the boundaries in order to break out of the RAW area to see things in a new light, and with new possibilities.
I imagine God is like that. At best I am a flawed human being, RAW with my issues and faults. Yet, instead of just seeing the average in me, God put His Spirit in my life and create this masterpiece through His influence and filter. I like to be seen that way. I think others do too. We all need, and want to be remembered for the good things in our lives and not the bad – for what we can be, not just what appears.
I want to be like Einstein and see miracles instead of the lack of them. The truth is, everywhere God is, there are miracles. Just the fact He knows us, thinks about us, and puts His Spirit in us is a miracle. Yet He goes way beyond that… He is the “filter” of my life, bringing beautiful colors out that make others gaze at the masterpiece and miracle they see. And if God can do that for me, then I want to do that for others.
A Beautiful Life
We expect beauty to be easy. In a world of technology we can easily visit a social media site, an email, or various webpages to see countless images that depict what we define as beauty. A click is easy. A quick scour through Facebook or Instagram is a simple move of a finger or mouse. But life isn’t that simple. And living a beautiful life isn’t easy… at least not a first.
Beauty takes courage. Courage to find the obscure. Courage to find uniqueness. Courage to take a different path. Courage to be curious. Courage to say no to the crowds. Courage to say yes to the unknown. Courage to stand up when everyone else is sitting down. Courage to bare yourself to the world – to be you. Courage isn’t easy.
Beauty takes surrender. Surrender of your analytical thoughts that try to define everything. Surrender of preconceived ideas that forbid exploration. Surrender of performance that looks at results instead of the process. Surrender of judgement that compares one moment of your unique life to the overall sum of someone else’s. Surrender of wounds that bind us to being weak and sick instead of free to live with joy and without the weight of bitterness and regret.
A beautiful life is a creative life that takes you into the unknown, in order to be known. Yes, there may be moments of fear. Others may not always approve of you. They may think you are flighty. You may be labeled as a dreamer. You may be deemed childish or thought to be wasting your life. But those voices come from those who are afraid of living a beautiful and amazing life because it’s easier to live without creativity than to take the risk and simply BE what they want to be inside. Beauty – it simply takes courage, surrendering, and risk – creating a beautiful life, one act at a time.
So keep creating.
Silencing My Enemy
I have an enemy in my life. A bully. Formidable. Large. Giant-sized in fact. I have to hear his taunts continually. Like a broken record he’s never silent. Like Goliath, he disgraces me with glee.
Sometimes I muster up what courage I can find and step out with the zeal of a kitten only to find myself face to face with a lion who sends me reeling backwards with one roar of his might. So I run back to my safe place and lick my wounds, scolding myself for thinking I could conquer such a foe. After all, he is a lion and kittens were not made to roar. So I try to tune out the taunts, the roars. Yet daily they come resurrecting the drive in me to silence them without the strength or means of how to do it. I utter a feeble cry for help that sends my enemy into fits of laughter.
Then I hear another sound. Another giant. A bigger giant. Another lion – a King Lion – steps onto the battlefield, and He roars. He comes to me and leans down waiting for me to climb upon Him. Then with the strength and speed of a thousand lions He bolts toward my enemy, the bully lion who is still taunting and celebrating a victory he never even earned. And with one roar my great King Lion silences the imposter and brings him cowering at His feet.
In that moment I realized how different in size lions can be. Suddenly my foe looked so small… kitten-sized in fact. From the back of the King Lion everything looked smaller, and I felt bigger, stronger, and safer than I had ever felt on my own feet.
The King roared again and with one swipe of His paw, He sent my enemy rolling across the battlefield and off into the cliff into depths of the sea. With one swipe the bully was defeated. With one swipe the taunts were gone. With one swipe the disgrace was ended.
I crawled down off His back and turned to look into those giant eyes. They had turned from the fierce glare of a warrior into the soft caresses of a friend. I was safe. I was free. Then I saw my own reflection in those eyes. It was an image of a much bigger and stronger version of myself than I saw in the mirror. What I saw in that moment was who I had always wanted to be. Could it be?
He turned to leave. I tried to utter my gratitude but sufficient words failed me. He roared one last time and I knew… He was just one cry away.
My enemy has a name. It’s known as Memories. Memories of the mistakes of my past that keep haunting and taunting me. Memories that I don’t know how to conquer. Memories that I don’t know how to silence. They are separate from my inquiries. Though my mistakes and sins are sent into the depths of the sea (Micah 7:19) my memories don’t always follow. They linger. They taunt. They bully. Yet if I will simply cry out for help, the Lion of the Tribe of Judah – the Kings of Kings – will come. He will lift me up and carry me and then through His strength we will defeat these giants together and send them where they belong. Not to be remembered. Not to be resurrected. But to be silenced.
Then when I turn to look into His eyes I will see myself as He sees me. Not as weakling and defeated but changed and mighty through His strength.
One cry.
One King Lion.
Re-Sourced Memories
Disappointment. We all know it. For some, it’s an occasional acquaintance that drops in unexpected, uninvited, and unwanted. For others, it’s like a close neighbor that lingers around every time you go outside, nosing into your business with a sense of authority that don’t remember giving them. Yet for others, it’s a close friend, always there to make one feel “normal” with a pat on the back, a drink in hand, and a daily selfie or two to help one remember they are there.
One cannot be human and not experience the pain of disappointment and despair. With love, comes wounds. With risk, comes failure. With life, comes death. With triumph come tragedy. To expect that life should be without disappointment, is in itself, complete disappointment. To be fully human, means to fully embrace all aspects of life, not just love and laughter and happiness, but also despair, failure, remorse, and tragedy.
The experiences of our lives define us. However, it’s not the experiences themselves, but how we remember those experiences. Two people can both experience the death of a child and one may recover and be able to move on with a joyful life, while the other never moves beyond the darkness of their pain and loss. Two people can fail in their marriage. One can move on enjoying new relationships and forgiveness, while the other can settle in the dark recesses of the past and let that failure convince them that happiness was never meant for them. The experiences are the same. The memory of those experiences and what comes out of them is different.
The truth is, we don’t have to be defined by our worst experiences. Yes, we must be truthful. We must acknowledge that the experience – the pain – happened and maybe some things could have been different. We cannot hide the experience and pretend it didn’t exist while it holds us by the foot like a monster under the bed. Though we must be honest about the past, we must not let it define us. Despair cannot create. Despair cannot heal. Despair cannot move us forward. But despair can define, it can enslave us, and thereby, it can steal our dreams.
What if instead, we search through our suffering for beauty. What if we find meaning in our suffering that propels us to something greater. What if instead of remembering the bitterness of a past experience we see an opportunity to forgive. What if instead of remembering the wounds of love, we see that we were able to experience love – a gift. What if instead of remembering the hurt someone else caused us, we remember the beauty of something good they did. What if instead of remembering how bad we messed up, we remembered the attempts we made at something good.
What if, the remembered experiences that define us were reversed and they were no longer based on the darkness of disappointment but on the light of risks we took, goodness we experienced, and possibility for our future. What would your life look like right now if you went back and defined yourself from the reference point of the good you experienced instead of the bad? When you re-source your memories, you redefine yourself, and you awaken your dreams.
A beautiful life
We expect beauty to be easy. In a world of technology we can easily visit a social media site, an email, or various webpages to see countless images that depict what we define as beauty. A click is easy. A quick scour through Facebook or Instagram is a simple move of a finger or mouse. But life isn’t that simple. And living a beautiful life isn’t easy… at least not a first.
Beauty takes courage. Courage to find the obscure. Courage to find uniqueness. Courage to take a different path. Courage to be curious. Courage to say no to the crowds. Courage to say yes to the unknown. Courage to stand up when everyone else is sitting down. Courage to bare yourself to the world – to be you. Courage isn’t easy.
Beauty takes surrender. Surrender of your analytical thoughts that try to define everything. Surrender of preconceived ideas that forbid exploration. Surrender of performance that looks at results instead of the process. Surrender of judgement that compares one moment of your unique life to the overall sum of someone else’s. Surrender of wounds that bind us to being weak and sick instead of free to live with joy and without the weight of bitterness and regret.
A beautiful life is a creative life that takes you into the unknown, in order to be known. Yes, there may be moments of fear. Others may not always approve of you. They may think you are flighty. You may be labeled as a dreamer. You may be deemed childish or thought to be wasting your life. But those voices come from those who are afraid of living a beautiful and amazing life because it’s easier to live without creativity than to take the risk and simply BE what they want to be inside.
Beauty – it simply takes courage, surrendering, and risk – creating a beautiful life, one act at a time. So keep creating.
A Look Inside Me 